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Monday, September 29, 2008

Late Night with gnana

"i dont know what jingoistic and xenophobic mean (am looking up) i am just common folk. i just think our country has gone back to king and queen crap. taxation without representation. rich gettin richer off backs of serfs. we have no say in what happens in washington nor where and when we go to war. i am not an old lady headed to the hills with her guns and compound, but sure dont feel anyone listens. i am almost happy i willnot live to see the downfall of our county. because younger people do not know what it was like to be so proud to be an america. so they will accept the status quo. i still am proud i am american."

This comment has been haunting me. In the last years, I've remarked that I was glad the old people didn't have to see what's happened. And lately I've begun a serious exit strategy for the possibility should McSame get to be President.

This blog often catches my attention when something that's serious and negative makes some new move in my life. This is sometimes just my rant page. But more often than not, it's not a place you're gonna read something that'll send you on your way whistling "Zippadee doo dah". Over the last 10 years I've watched a lot of bad happen in my country. I'm accustomed, tuned, to look for the lies, the evil actions. Sometimes I get a fact wrong. Sometimes my opinion bleeds into what I'm reporting as a citizen journalist (my greatest achievement? #1 most-read article on, "Naked PETA Girls Attract Crowd in Brattleboro"). I try to stay away from emoting when reporting things. But here, I get to vomit.

To hear such disheartenment from one of my town's most lovely elders makes me puke. To see and know how evil and awful these leaders are makes me puke. I don't know how this will end, or if it will. And I have hopes on a guy who may or may not be the new leader we need. In paranoid moments I half-envision a Totalitarian Amerika, one in which I won't live under any circumstances. I wonder how much of my family will be Good Amerikans and be all right. My brothers are vets and getting up there so they're probably okay. It's the young ones- the 4 nephews and their families- that worry me most. Especially those that are already on the Right wing side. Will they be wearing a uniform under some new Fascist Regime, a new Fuhrer to horrify the world from my own country? And what if I do expatriate in another place, will I be interned there? Will the world hate the US the way it hated Nazi Germany?

Yet, the most bizarre set up has happened that may change my life anyway. It's possible that I may be able to emigrate with an amount of comfort- and birthright I wasn't aware of until 3 years ago. We live in very interesting times. I'm staying afloat thru it, and gods know my lot in life may change rapidly for the better, but part of me is with gnana. This is like watching the death of my country before my eyes. I'm looking at a younger-than-me black doctor to save the patient.

Monday, September 1, 2008

Accepting Things You Can't Change

Ever since my mother hung a tacky aluminum plate with fake "American Indian" symbols and the Serenity Prayer on it, I've followed that advice. It makes life easier. I'm good with easier. There are enough complications, like the tax system. And life in general. Love in particular.

So I try to keep things in perspective, not let the small stuff bug me, take pleasure in little things, all that advice older people give. But somewhere, somehow, something enters my life that brings panic and agita. In this case, being flat broke, applying for Disability, my friend's back problems, my brother's open heart surgery, some members of my family's lack of feelings (unless it's Their Crisis) and continuing interpersonal issues amongst my friends. All going on at once.

For instance- my brother's surgery. I'm not asking anyone to fly out here and hold my sis-in-law's hand . But will one of them respond, even with a "Hope he's okay"? I don''t even get answers to the emails! Fine. It's not the first time. Let it go. But I won't forget this one. Thank the God/desses, he's coming along fine.

Then there's the running lack of gratitude from friends for whom others have done huge favors. Me also, in that group. Some people seem to think they're entitled, and that whatever someone does for them, it's just their right to say how, when, where and what that favor should be. And then to judge the quality of that favor, and even to criticize it. In this case, it's easier for me to forget the bit of anger over what they've done to me. But someone just did them a Real Solid, and they criticized him. It wasn't what they wanted, exactly. No thanks, just disappointment. What a complete lack of manners. That's a hard one for me to accept, but there's no changing their behavior; it's a pattern I've seen. I can, however, ignore their wants in the future, and I will.

The Grand Guignol at the moment is my financial picture. I have roughly 10 bucks to my name. This came about over a mistake that an Aide made, which took the bucks I had earmarked for the phone bill and some incidentals away, when she spent my cash on food that could've waited the 3 days until my Food Stamp allotment came. My oldest and dearest friend is stepping in once again, with a loan to help me stay afloat til something gives. But it's been a week and I've not heard from her. On the 5th, I'm officially 3 months behind in rent, which coincides with the signing of a new lease offer. I'm really afraid that my landlord won't re-up my lease, and that'll be another battle that I just don't think I can wage right now. I'm pretty beaten down. On the sunny side, Social Security has finally given me an evaluation appointment with a doctor. That's on the 10th. I'm praying I don't get the "first application is always denied" treatment. My US Senator has stepped in unbidden (I love you, Bernie and Gretchen) so maybe that will help my case. But I gotta tell you, all this has me dissociating and not able to sleep all that well. I'm doing all the pro-active things I dream up. I'll just have to accept that there's a limit to what I can do. And accept that there are things about my condition that can't be changed. And accept that my Nana's old saying is true; "What can't be cured must be endured".

And so, patient reader, be kinder to yourself, because some bitch or bastard is ready at any moment to be rotten to you. Be able to take joy in the smallest things, because sometimes that's all you have. Be grateful for what you have and all you're given, because life doesn't owe you a thing. Be wise in whom you trust and keep close, and when you find even one who'll fit the bill, cherish them.