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Monday, September 1, 2008

Accepting Things You Can't Change

Ever since my mother hung a tacky aluminum plate with fake "American Indian" symbols and the Serenity Prayer on it, I've followed that advice. It makes life easier. I'm good with easier. There are enough complications, like the tax system. And life in general. Love in particular.

So I try to keep things in perspective, not let the small stuff bug me, take pleasure in little things, all that advice older people give. But somewhere, somehow, something enters my life that brings panic and agita. In this case, being flat broke, applying for Disability, my friend's back problems, my brother's open heart surgery, some members of my family's lack of feelings (unless it's Their Crisis) and continuing interpersonal issues amongst my friends. All going on at once.

For instance- my brother's surgery. I'm not asking anyone to fly out here and hold my sis-in-law's hand . But will one of them respond, even with a "Hope he's okay"? I don''t even get answers to the emails! Fine. It's not the first time. Let it go. But I won't forget this one. Thank the God/desses, he's coming along fine.

Then there's the running lack of gratitude from friends for whom others have done huge favors. Me also, in that group. Some people seem to think they're entitled, and that whatever someone does for them, it's just their right to say how, when, where and what that favor should be. And then to judge the quality of that favor, and even to criticize it. In this case, it's easier for me to forget the bit of anger over what they've done to me. But someone just did them a Real Solid, and they criticized him. It wasn't what they wanted, exactly. No thanks, just disappointment. What a complete lack of manners. That's a hard one for me to accept, but there's no changing their behavior; it's a pattern I've seen. I can, however, ignore their wants in the future, and I will.

The Grand Guignol at the moment is my financial picture. I have roughly 10 bucks to my name. This came about over a mistake that an Aide made, which took the bucks I had earmarked for the phone bill and some incidentals away, when she spent my cash on food that could've waited the 3 days until my Food Stamp allotment came. My oldest and dearest friend is stepping in once again, with a loan to help me stay afloat til something gives. But it's been a week and I've not heard from her. On the 5th, I'm officially 3 months behind in rent, which coincides with the signing of a new lease offer. I'm really afraid that my landlord won't re-up my lease, and that'll be another battle that I just don't think I can wage right now. I'm pretty beaten down. On the sunny side, Social Security has finally given me an evaluation appointment with a doctor. That's on the 10th. I'm praying I don't get the "first application is always denied" treatment. My US Senator has stepped in unbidden (I love you, Bernie and Gretchen) so maybe that will help my case. But I gotta tell you, all this has me dissociating and not able to sleep all that well. I'm doing all the pro-active things I dream up. I'll just have to accept that there's a limit to what I can do. And accept that there are things about my condition that can't be changed. And accept that my Nana's old saying is true; "What can't be cured must be endured".

And so, patient reader, be kinder to yourself, because some bitch or bastard is ready at any moment to be rotten to you. Be able to take joy in the smallest things, because sometimes that's all you have. Be grateful for what you have and all you're given, because life doesn't owe you a thing. Be wise in whom you trust and keep close, and when you find even one who'll fit the bill, cherish them.

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