Remembering back to when I was about 10 and the painful legs I had for months as I grew 3 inches in one year. Growth hurts. It's change, and change always hurts. Pain brings change. They're connected.
So the last few weeks have been a growth spurt. Growth meaning more self-awareness, getting new buttons that can be pushed, learning to not respond to things right away, and the ongoing reassessment of one's capabilities. And Boomer's moving away and then Mac's death hit me harder than I'd thought.
And losing the children's book in which I'd invested 4 months of work. I hoped against hope that it'd be retrievable, and when told it wasn't, that everything was gone from my hard drive, I went into a weird grief process. Not that it hadn't happened, but that it was no big deal, it was just a kid's book, I could rewrite it, it wasn't like Gatsby or anything. But it was 4 months of hard time, with your head always half-somewhere-else. It was close to finished, the end was near. It took space, it had a life, and is now gone. Poof!
And there was one of those "now it hits me" phases where I kept re-realizing that Mac was dead.
And realized Boomer had meant more to me than I'd thought.
I tipped from FB.
Then the computer died.
Then my brother didn't call or answer my calls on my birthday after I'd had a little visit from his wife the night before that shook the hell outta me. Yeah, no joke. That extent of somebody stopping in has only happened twice in my whole life. And I don't care how tough you are or how long you've been doing it, when you get someone from the other side in a close encounter it still shocks you, unless you're going cold turkey off massive amounts of drugs. Then, nothing really shocks you. But this one did spook me. Beery's okay, so I'll kill him when I see him. I kinda hope that's the last I see of Mac though.
There's a lot of ow!s in all that, btw.
Anyway, yeah, it was a big bag of bouchedaggery and I know a few more things about myself that maybe in my early senility I'd already known and forgotten in 1979. It was a couple of weeks of shittage, but it lifted and life goes on. No matter how old you are, there's always something new, even about yourself, to discover.
May we all be Growing Strong. ;)
Out of the Cave and Swatting at Gnats
4 days ago