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Wednesday, February 17, 2016


It's nice to know that some things remain in an ever-changing world. February has always either sucked or blown and this year's edition is no different.

On the heels of the 19th anny of my mom's death came the news that my old friend Mare probably has countable weeks left in this dimension. Her siblings aren't hearing what she tells them and she's angry and frustrated. Even Billy keeps coming up with crackpot cancer cures. At least her hub and kids get it. The cancer treatments she's endured made me sure I'll never do them. She's fought every inch, but it was 4th stage ovarian cancer when found, and there's no real treatment for it. This is how my mom died, too. I've known Mare since 1986, she was Mom's friend and favorite daughter before I ever met her. Mare's cousin and I worked together at the Restaurant School, and laughed at this weird connection. Mare took the weekend trips with the p's that I had no interest in, was at all the family get-togethers. She did the life choices Mom thought I should do. After the p's died we were down to holiday cards. Then Facebook happened, and we reconnected, and then she got the diagnosis. This is suckage of a supreme order.

The Shire's closing looms, and after perusing the rules for the new Red Rover building, I'm not going there. Claiming Beest as a "comfort animal" is ridiculous, and no, I won't live anywhere that I can't practice my personal beliefs. So screw it. I don't know where I'll go, or what's even within possibilities, so that process starts tomorrow morning. This blows. Hard.

The last few weeks have been productive writing-the-book-wise and it's been a saving grace. I'm also 100% sure my writing sucks, my ideas suck, I suck, and I'm wasting my time even thinking I could do this. But on it goes.

There are great gaping holes in my life where people used to be. Again, February. The month of purification and what survives among the dead.

If I can't eat normal food again soon I'll go nuts. Since quitting tobacco, I'm a bitch on wheels anyway. Take away everything but soft and overboiled stuff with no spices and imagine what a delight I am. I can't stand myself.

And to wind up this rant, the weather is a miserable wet smelly old blanket that was laying in the mud under the snow and has now been dragged out into the yard by the dog, where it's been pissed on repeatedly. There has been no Winter. 2 days of cold is not Winter. No Winter= no pain relief.

I hope things are better where you are and that this year so far has been healing and hopeful. Whatever else, we abide.


Elephant's Child said...

Heartfelt hugs.
And hopes.

Starting Over, Accepting Changes - Maybe said...

I am concerned that you do not have a place to go when The Shire closes. I hate rules, but from experience, know that what is written down, often gets ignored. Sometimes you have to give it a chance and make a decision based on what really is. What is wrong with saying The Beest is a comfort animal. I know she give you company and she is your friend.

Take care of yourself, dear Laura The long winter plays with our minds, and we have to find some little bit of joy to get us through.

Austan said...

EC- Thanks, I can always use hugs. And hope. :)

Austan said...

Arleen- it's too much of a gamble to take a chance on losing your home, and they've stated any violation will result in termination of tenancy. If one goes to Red Rover, one loses being in HUD and one's place in subsidized housing, and subsequently can't opt to leave if one hates it- because there's about a 4 year waiting time just to get back on the list. Same goes for being terminated- you'd start at bottom. Meanwhile, where to live for those 4 years? That's what really is, beyond the many many churchlady rules and getting dr's notes that you're nutty and need a comfort animal. This is a private syndicate doing this project, they're designing it for their select audience. I'm not part of that audience. I'm just poor and this is what goes on. Crazymaking? Oh yes, yes it is.

I wish we'd had a Winter. At least it'd be less painy. This crazy weather helps nothing. But thank you for caring.

Geo. said...

Austan, I sure hope you can keep your cat. Certainly the impending housing upheaval is cause for anxiety --which should be sufficient cause for a dr. to declare Beest a comfort animal.

Susan Flett Swiderski said...

One of our newspaper columnists used to call the first two months of the year "Jan-u-weary" and "Feb-ru-ugly." I always thought that was kinda cool and clever, but it sounds like what you're feeling is more like "Feb-ru-weary." Take heart! It may have 29 days this year, but it still won't last forever.

I'm so sorry to hear about all of your bad news. I hope you find a good place to live... someplace that allows you to keep your cat without going through a bunch of BS.

And don't forget... there has been some good news for you, too. Your Bernie has been doing great! (Our daughter is an enthusiastic supporter, and reminds me of how giddy I was when Kennedy was running.)

Take care, sweetie.

Austan said...

Geo! It was a constructive day. Right now it looks like I'll be waiting for a particular space to open up at another housing set like the Shire is. And I'll get a roll-in shower and full stove after all. It pays to be nice, but firm. They don't have all these rules.

Austan said...

Sus- it's the best thing going on right now- I was so afraid that people wouldn't see the Bernie I know, but they do. And with that much good going right, I'll just have to suck up the lousy and call it even. Glad to hear the younguns are Berners! Yay!

MoonRaven said...

I'm so sorry to hear all this. I'll keep hoping that March brings much better tidings.

And I hope you do find another good housing situation.

Much love to you.