Outside the Wall

Because obsessing about getting on with things usually kickstarts my brain, I determined to figure out what's been causing the wall/writer's block/blank page in my mind. I'm pacing back and forth in my head outside the wall.

At the heart of this is frustration. There are situations that I can't help people out of; situations that for a variety of reasons are beyond my abilities to change or even identify with. Issues that I have no experience in- having no control over your own life; being famous; alienating everyone around you; severe mental illness, all of which are affecting people I care for. And I got nothing to offer them. When people express that they are suffering it triggers the Fixer in me. Which I'm trying hard to kill right now. If I can't fix things, I often become harshly judgmental, something I really hate in myself and am also trying to kill. And so I split in two, the innate Fixer of others and the Person trying to fix myself, and everything comes to a standstill.

There must be a balance one can achieve but damned if I can find it. Patience is not my strong suit. Not having things figured out makes me anxious, which pisses me off. And then I sit and simmer. I used to go get drunk and/or into a fight to blow this kinda shit away, or physically hurt myself, which certainly ain't gonna happen now. Those aren't options anymore. It helps to write, but it doesn't stop the hamster wheel in my head.

Maybe I need laughter. Or really loud music.... I'm gonna try blowing it off.