A whole night of dancing legs and nearly impossible to type correctly. To avoid panic, I'll keep it short: this sucks & I just want to sleep and can't.
After 4 hours, I cave in, putting on a fentanyl patch. I was rubber room bound. K told me to stick out my tongue and it shows I'm freaking. Which was pretty fucking obvious, because of the things happpening- the loss of balance and sleep, the heart beating all over, the feeling of withdrawal from all your cells....wow.
2 hrs. later ..OK the fentanyl's soothing things down a bit. Maybe I'll be able to sleep. I still can't eat. It's 4:19 but fells like 8 or 9. The ugly basilisk reared its head- what if, by quitting to fight for those who can't fight, I'm made a symbol of how everyone should be quiting? Then it looks like I'm just justifying their use when I don't like it, myself. But isn't that what it's about? Is it "Quit if you Want, But you should Get it if you need it" no, that's a bad slogan...oh, it's hard to be clear-headed when you're coming off narcotics. The idea is rising like dough in my head. Maybe if I get some sleep!!
3 hours later. Moved on to Pink Floyd. Though my neighbors don't deserve it I'm sparing them. The only way they can hear Comfortably Numb would be thru the soles of my feets' vibrations. There are many things that comfort without side effects. Crosses my mind I might out live all these guys...I don't want to. I won't be a loss to them, but their deaths would take large swaths of my life with them... and I've already too many stories and no one to remember them with. We don't get to live healthy long enough.
1 hour later. Pink Floyd's the way to go. This is def another of those things that's so damn individualized that you can't give any help but say ,"Do what helps." Isn't that great? Totally unhelpful. It's like people don't even remember who they always were., what they always loved- the things that defined them... But I think it's the tools for getting thru shit. I know music is for me. The worse things are, the more music I'll have going.
Here is a full 24-minute Floyd section (Roger's a bit pitchy at the start) from Live8. Remember that?
RIP Syd and Rick.
Detoxing is a bitch on your own.
Going on 9. Can't really carry on a conversation; I'm too rattled. Well, will stay up and listen to some more comfort bands and try to relax.
9:30 Just watched this enlightening and entertaining bit of an interview with a young Plant and Bonzo.
Notes regarding Heroes and movies.
13 hours ago