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Wednesday, February 16, 2011

If The Stars are All Closed

Had a real old-fashioned Brooklyn bitch session with Princess Wendy, that ended up in gales of healing laughter. We both needed it.

Then back to business; I talked to my pharmacist... who said at this point, taking and not taking what I am, I should get a rec from my doc to a pain specialist. He made suggestions, but they're all meds that we tried b4 the opiates came around. More naprosyn won't help; neither will aspirin.

So I popped another xanax.

I'm hanging on. And learning a lot in this process.
Placebo effect or what, I do believe the anti-anxietal pills help bring pain down. Better than nothing, anyway.

It was a really emotional day for a lot of people, which only served to piss me off because I started off the day as a hellion and had laughed my way to some peace before everyone's feelings needed expression. And the whole time, bitch that I am right now, I'm giving no quarter to anyone. People who know me know me. I'll apologize in the future if necessary, but right now you're gonna hear exactly where I'm coming from. Don't whine when I'm like this. It won't end up well. Right now I can have little sympathy for myself and what I cannot feel for myself I can't feel for others.

Another thing- anger and funny hold hands in my Red Rover team. I'll be the angriest bitch on earth, and bust it with a loud annoying laughing fit. I truly enjoy irony. Nothing tickles me so. A lot of things crack me up- this whole sitch made me laugh til my stomach muscles hurt today.

But, If I'm angry the last thing I can handle is crying. Because to my angered, fighting eyes, you've caved in to feelings instead of getting the job done. You have to rescue yourself because nobody else can. So what's the point of crying? And when you are rescuing yourself, you're preoccupied with that objective; there's nothing else now; no caving. No weakness can be tolerated. And you know why? Because it's survival. And because my own weakness is a thin line away. But it's a thin line I don't dare cross and I don't want anyone else's weakness to pull me thru their line, either. If I'm gonna be clean, I need to stay angry. And funny. I don't want worried worst-case scenario machine msgs, or flipouts fired by some imaginative guilt creation. It won't help. So leave me alone if you ain't laughing.

I only cry at kindness and death now anyway.

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