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Saturday, February 19, 2011

Detoxlog some number +1

So, though I'm down to and have been down to only 15 mg of oxy daily, and .15 mg of alpraz, Friday was the day to step everything down by 1. Well lawdy lawd lawdy it was like setting the whole shit off again. So, after a pill count, I'm altering by 3 days and will step down 1/2 a pill at a time. Who ever would think that 5 lousy stinking milligrams of some shit could make life go from standable to homicidal anger in a few short hours? With a panic attack to give it a nice sendoff!? Very nice! I'm highly resentful and indignant that after all this hell, 5 fucking mgs still hold me by the shorthairs.

Otherwise... I think it's safe to eat again. But I'm kind of afraid, a bit nauseous, and quite happy to be dropping weight. So I'll keep it at a minimum. Coffee and smoke keep me going. Though even the little I smoke now is so damned costly I feel like I'm living in a Van Gogh life these days. That has to change. I have made money before, I will do again, one way or another. Sleep is great when it's there, not when it isn't. Which it wasn't, last night. But I'll blame the full moon- the light was so spectral, with the grayish snowy night. One of those nights when it's easy to believe in other less obvious existences, let's say.

We had the no-longer January-now-February Thaw for the last 2 days, but the winds have returned and it's clear and cold. That merciless February weather, that laughs at your weakness. Out my window I see the 60' tall trees by the Shrine waving like a Parrothead audience. People are bundled and headed to their destinations today, no lingering. If this isn't bleak midwinter, I dunno what the hell is. "Snow has fallen, snow on snow, snow on snow" is about right now, not Yule. This is midwinter, folks. Snow is not a pretty, heartlifting sight now. It's ten feet tall mounds and humps of waterstone. It's the unending unuseable surface that narrows the useable areas. It's been breaking backs and shovels and spirits for weeks on end. EXCEPT. This is the Harris Hill Ski Jump Weekend, one of the first and remaining big deal amateur ski jumps. Right here, in our little town. I haven't been in years, but I love that it's still here, and can't wait to see the footage.

On the chance that I have the apartment mentioned before, this 3 day weekend is devoted to de-decorating (I waited as long as I could) what remains of Xmas and packing for the move. I really have to push my ass thru the pain to do it. The only really delicate stuff isn't going to take long; 3 days will do it. Besides, I'm a Hendrickson; we can tear down camp and load the longship in one night. :)

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