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Thursday, April 28, 2011

Scylla and Charibdis

Ever since reading the classics in high school, periods of my life and situations ring home from them. The last couple of days I have been between Scylla and Charibdis. But my monsters are shaped like humans needing attention. It seems no matter what and no matter how I try to listen, stay supportive and help, I'm screwed. Meanwhile, things I want to do and even taking care of myself are falling to the wayside which is making me bitchy. Not to mention that sleeping has become a luxury. And when sleep goes, there go all the dominoes.

"Hey!" I want to yell, "I've been thru 3 months of shitstorms; I can't deal with any more! Give me a break!" Which isn't an option because when people need help they need it in the moment, not next week. You're either able or not and I'm just asshole enough to always volunteer, regardless of my ability. Because in the back of my head are the voices of guilt, those who I wasn't there for in their moment of need, and for whose demises I hold myself partly responsible. And I don't need more voices in that chorus.

On the other hand are all the sane thoughts- I can't help anyone unless I'm okay first; if I don't take care of myself I'll be really screwed; stop trying to please and help everyone; if they can't deal with me needing time without pressure, fuck them. Which are all reasonable truths. However, when the crazy train comes to town reasonable things don't count. Every encounter with a crazy person wears reason down and leaves you feeling less sure that hopes exist. And that route of thinking leads nowhere good. While the monsters still scream for attention.

What the fuck ever happened that these people in my life are losing it? How come they've lost it and lots of others who are in way worse situations are managing? Should I just tell them to fuck off & deal? Or to get their heads outta their own asses and take a look at others? Is that abusive? Or is that the slap of reality they need? I don't like being in this position. I never know if I choose the right way to go. And like Odysseus I think either way I'm gonna lose people. At least he could see which was the whirlpool that would kill everyone. I can't see the difference.

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