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Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Some Whine, No Cheese

Guess it was inevitable. I was writing this afternoon about keeping up a brave face in disability when I fell apart. So much for my stoicism.

This whole experience has been humbling, horrifying, wonderful, terrible and surprising. For a few days in the beginning, I was fine. Then heart palpitations came. I rode that out, fighting off anxiety attacks with thought and meditation. When the final word came that I had no home and didn't know when I'd get one back I took it philosophically. And Strider stepped up, doing all she could to provide a haven so I wouldn't be on the streets. Her tremendous show of compassion and love lifted me for a while and I got to a plateau of gratitude.

Now I've been homeless for 4 1/2 weeks. I feel dependent on Strider for everything and I've disrupted her life and home. I'm terribly guilty and shamed, I'm homesick and stressed over not knowing what will happen, if my belongings are safe, where my belongings even are, or when or if I'll be going home. I was homeless when I was young. It was much easier then. I wasn't disabled. I could drive, or walk anywhere I wanted. And then after crippling up, living alone, with an aide to do the shopping and errand running I could maintain a semblance of independence. Especially after getting affordable housing. But take away all of that and the stark reality is that I'm not independent at all. Which guts me.

And I'm scared shitless that this is going to change things between Strider and me. She's gone so out of her way and over the call of duty to accomodate me, and my unhappiness has nothing to do with being here or with her. I just want to go home and get my life back. I'm tired of losing things, I'm tired of fighting, I'm tired of uncertainty. And I feel like an ungrateful huge whining baby for even admitting it all. Fuck me. I'm such an ass. I'm sorry. Temporary meltdown. I just needed to get that out, I guess...

Damn it, I just want my little Hobbit house back.

10 comments:

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

Prayers and good wishes are headed your way my dear....when things hit rock bottom there is only one way left and that is up.

Starting Over, Accepting Changes - Maybe said...

All right, you got it out. It feels good to do that. You have been though so much that it is not unpredictable that you would have this meltdown.

Now, think of all the help you have received, that you are in a warm place, that you have had people along the way, especially Strider, to love and care for you. Most of important of all, that you are still kicking.

I can't imagine being in your place, how scared you must be. However, when I read your posts, I see a strong willed person who is not going to give up. Hang on, this will be over and you will be home soon. You have to have hope.

If positive thoughts help, I will pass them on to you.

Austan said...

Thanks, Lawless.

Geo. said...

I feel a bit presumptuous, even speaking from experience here, but find it sometimes helps to stop thinking too logically for a while --you've seen this demonstrated on my blog. Happiness is mainly an assumption. It was Santayana who said: if it were not assumed, it would be the most impossible conclusion.

Austan said...

And thanks, Arleen. I needed that.

Austan said...

Geo. I'm not sure what you were meaning; my head's a muddle right now. But I know you care and that's what matters. Thank you.

Susan Flett Swiderski said...

No matter how tough you are and how stiff that upper lip is, sometimes, you simply MUST, I mean, you MUST throw your head back, lift your face to the heavens and scream, OY VEY!! Something's gotta give, sweetie. You've gotta let the steam out. You did. Now you can reduce to a cozy simmer again. Things will get better. (They already HAVE, right?)

Austan said...

Susan- You're right, again. Strider's home and we're laughing.

annieoatcake said...

'Striders home and we're laughing', says it all really :-)

It must be totally crap feeling like everything is out of control (I know the feeling but in different circumstances). I just keep telling myself that nothing stays the same forever. Sometimes, when I've just been hit by another lump of poo and I think, 'That's it! I've had an effing 'nough!', something nice happens that puts all the crap into perspective... just like laughing with your Strider :-)

Keep your pecker up, sending good vibes X

Austan said...

Well, I had to tell Strider about the meltdown- she reads this. ;) And she told me about work, and then we laughed. I guess it was due, as Arleen said. Shit happens, as the old saying goes. 99% of the time I let it roll off, but man, when it hits you in the eye, ya gotta yell. Thanks, Annie, and everyone, for being such great support. You guys rock.