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Wednesday, March 2, 2011

The Fear is the Thing, Not the Pain

It occurred to me today that it isn't the pain itself, it's the fear of it, that makes me freak. Somehow in my nutty state I decided pain wasn't getting power over me anymore. So it became a fight against it. But today I realized it's the fear of it, and has been all along, not the pain itself, that is the issue. It started when I was trying to keep working, and would get to the 2 p.m. wall and have to sit. That advanced to being 1, then noon, then being almost unable to stand for more than a half-hour. That's when I left work. But over that 3 year period, every day I dreaded the point at which the pain would take me down and fear became my response to pain.

Eureka! It's not a fight; it's just fear! Fear is as immaterial as "safety". There's no room for them in disability. Not in reality; anything is a possible accident-causer so safety's an illusion to me now. And the same for fear. Useless wastes of energy to feed worry. I don't have the energy to feed anything that doesn't help me. So bye-bye fear of pain. Ya bastard.

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