It occurred to me today that it isn't the pain itself, it's the fear of it, that makes me freak. Somehow in my nutty state I decided pain wasn't getting power over me anymore. So it became a fight against it. But today I realized it's the fear of it, and has been all along, not the pain itself, that is the issue. It started when I was trying to keep working, and would get to the 2 p.m. wall and have to sit. That advanced to being 1, then noon, then being almost unable to stand for more than a half-hour. That's when I left work. But over that 3 year period, every day I dreaded the point at which the pain would take me down and fear became my response to pain.
Eureka! It's not a fight; it's just fear! Fear is as immaterial as "safety". There's no room for them in disability. Not in reality; anything is a possible accident-causer so safety's an illusion to me now. And the same for fear. Useless wastes of energy to feed worry. I don't have the energy to feed anything that doesn't help me. So bye-bye fear of pain. Ya bastard.
The Door Is Ajar.
6 days ago