Sorry Seems to Be a Useless Word

I can't forgive myself for not getting to my brother's funeral. This is the second time I didn't make it to a family funeral and it just sucks. Yes, I know there was nothing to be done. Rationally I can handle it. It's the cloying clawing feeling that I let him down. Even though he told me himself he didn't expect me there unless it was summer. Even though our very last conversation was the best I could ever hope for in saying goodbye without saying goodbye. I feel awful for not being there for his widow and son. They haven't said they're hurt but I'm sure they are. I've said I am sorry a few times but it's a useless inadequate word. I've been in their position and have some hard feelings of my own over those times.

Billy and Mac and I are going to pay for his grave marker, whatever they decide on doing there. He's being buried in her family's plot. But that's just a token gesture to me. God almighty I can't stand guilt. It's the worst thing ever. And I don't have a clue of how to work thru it at all. I've avoided guilt like the plague all my life. Oy.